Time Warp
I was diagnosed with leukemia in 2002 during some blood tests at the hospital because I had a bad lung infection. But looking back on it I can remember having night sweats and other symptoms of CLL long before then. Chronic lymphocytic leukemia often tends to progress very slowly, and mine certainly has. I have been really fortunate.
In 2006 I got tested for the prognosis of my disease by one of the top CLL doctors in the world. I am now statistically well beyond my “best before date.” Amazingly just all of a sudden many different parts of the body seem to be giving out simultaneously. I checked my old and new blood test results this morning. The ineffective cancerous white blood cells have multiplied unbelievably. Just like my lymph nodes have rather suddenly grown amazingly large. The red blood cells, hemoglobin, platelets, and neutrophils have all declined considerably now. All are now well below the normal minimum. My hemoglobin is now about 40% lower than it was when I left Europe, and the platelets (which previously were very stable) have declined even more.
I'm constantly out of breath now due to low hemoglobin. I have bruises all over me, and the dentist will no longer even consider extraction of a tooth due to the low platelet level in my blood. The immunodeficiency is seen in a variety of ways, but probably most visibly in rampant tooth decay even though I no longer eat any sugar and brush my teeth 5 or more times each day.
Whether I am surfing the internet, reading a good book, or watching an exciting new episode of Dr. Who, I constantly nod off. I have to be very cautious when driving. The possibility of my choosing to “put myself down” is popping into my head as a viable alternative more and more frequently now. But it really isn't nearly that bad yet. I do notice that it has become very important to me to keep my dog's water bowl topped up. Just in case. And my financial affairs and my last will and testament are both in good shape and up-t0-date.
It just occurred to me how pleasant it would be to merely go to sleep and not ever wake up. I have tremendous admiration for the people who have managed to pull this off. And I don't mean a drug overdose, or barbiturates, or some sort of suicide. No, honestly, just naturally taking a little nap and then choosing to never wake up. From this perspective that seems like a wonderful way to go.
Nature is so wonderful. I find that it has a way of preparing one for the inevitable. I've led a far more interesting and successful life than I ever could have imagined while growing up. If learning new things, seeing new things, and having new experiences means anything then I certainly will reincarnate at a much higher level. Of course I don't believe in reincarnation or any of that organized religion nonsense.
But I do remember what took place a few weeks after my father died. He was an amazing guy. Maybe what I experienced was real. I sure thought it was at the time, and 33 and one-half years later it still seems like it took place yesterday. Maybe I will get lucky enough to be chosen to move on to a higher plane of existence. Or maybe it all just ends. Either way is OK. Really.
I've led a great life and that's enough. Honest. But what a wonder it would be if.....
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