CLL

Almost no one reads my blog, so I can pretty much write about whatever I want.

This leukemia is strange stuff. From the very beginning after being diagnosed a little over seven years ago, my eyes have been tearing, and I have had increasing bouts with the sweats and the dehydration that goes along with uncontrollable sweating. Really loose bowels have alternated with hard core (no pun intended) constipation.

As it has progressed I have developed serious lung infections, and enormous swollen lymph nodes, some of which recently have become quite painful. Sleep has become a bit difficult. My deceased brother's ex-girlfriend who now has serious breast cancer says that "sleep is overrated." I agree.

I think my spleen and liver are now swollen too, as I am experiencing the sensation of abdominal fullness that others sometimes describe. As the body's immune system has grown progressively less effective, tooth decay has become much more of a problem...a constant battle, even with brushing and flossing four or five times per day. I try to avoid eating anything with sugar in it too. In the last few months I have finally realized what other CLL patients have been describing as the extreme fatigue and an outrageous lack of stamina.

Not long after I notified my bosses that I had leukemia, they tried to trump up some false charges and get rid of me (after 25 years of loyal service). They had just gone through a painful financial episode when another of the company's managers came down with leukemia, and I'm sure that their greed overcame their human empathy.

My ex-bosses and I ended up in court. The judge decided that I had been treated more than a little unfairly by these guys. So the judge awarded me a small severance benefit. Of course Dutch customs said that I had to leave Europe since I no longer had a job. Returning to America I now had a pre-existing condition, so no health insurance carrier would touch me. The “American Way” and all that wonderful Republican obstructionism. So I haven't seen a doctor in the three years since I have returned to America.

I haven't had a bowel movement in a little more than two days now. During the last 12 hours I have taken a good bit of over the counter laxative medicine designed to help get the lower intestines and the bowels going. I have eaten a lot of prunes, drank warm liquids, I have eaten a LOT of really hot Mexican jalapenos, and me and the dog have gotten a good bit of exercise. All the tricks which have worked in the past have not been successful this time. So I am now coming to the realization that tonight might be the night. I doubt it, in fact I think probably some time in the next few hours I will being making number two like gang busters. But maybe not.

My leukemia specialist in Europe said that CLL waxes and wanes. I agree. But it does keep gradually getting worse, and at some point you die. I consider this phase of my life to be “running out the clock.” I can't work, there is no interesting challenge that I can pursue, and no future to look forward to. I'm still being quite successful at enjoying each day. Every day is extra, and I know it. I also know that one of these days will be the last one too. I hope it is not tonight, but if it is so be it. I've had an amazing life, and I've known a lot of terrific people along the way.

Maybe there is another chapter after the death of your physical body, but I really seriously doubt it. If so, that will just be a really exciting bonus thrown in!
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LATER: Well the dam finally broke. Man did it! If I do die tonight, at least I won't die full of shit.
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NEXT MORNING: I made it through the night, and the sunrise is truly glorious this morning. I feel like I have been beaten up by a pack of thugs, but that is just my body. I am alive, and I am happy.

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