Going Slow
With lot of people the type of leukemia that I have is very slow growing. In many cases it is kind of like prostate cancer...so slow growing that the patient will die of something age first. I have had this chronic lymphocytic leukemia (CLL) for years. I was formally diagnosed eight years ago, and I'm sure that I had the disease for at least a year or two before that. I can remember very distinctly experiencing the symptoms – night sweats, etc.
It was little more than an annoyance for years. But about six months ago something changed. Everything has been going downhill quite rapidly since then. And it seems like this decline is continuing to get worse faster and faster.
I'm generally inclined towards letting nature take her course. Some days I really enjoy life. I'm reading a couple of fantastic books right now, “Chuck” on NBC was great tonight, and my best friend and I had a wonderful walk this morning. Even though he is getting a bit old himself, he is still a good athlete. I ride the geezer scooter and most of the time he walks along, sniffing and peeing. Occasionally he rides in my lap.
The nights have gotten very rather difficult though. Sleep is a real luxury that I don't get to enjoy much any more. I can barely walk, I am out of breath almost all the time, my blood platelets have declined to where the dentist won't work on me, I have no sense of smell at all, my digestion sucks, and I am more than partially deaf. There is no point in listing all the other things going wrong, but there are plenty more.
My brain seems to still be working OK, but my body is going downhill really fast now.
I know that it is not yet appropriate to put my .44 magnum to my head and pull the trigger. But in the middle of the night I sure have begun thinking about it – a lot. Every night. When terminal patients are given the tools to suicide, most choose to die naturally. Only a very small percentage do accelerate the process.
But there comes a point where the suffering is so bad, the disease really is incurable, some would think it entirely wise to go ahead and end the needless suffering. I guess we each have to find our own point on this.
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