There Has Been An Event
It is now 11:40 p.m. on Saturday 21 November 2009. I am 60 years old; almost 61. In about six weeks I’ll be 61…if I make it.
In the last ten days I have had three different events, always at night, which seem to be getting more intense. Each time I was sound asleep then awakened to a sensation of absolute crushing weight upon my chest. Then comes the sweats. Within an hour I have to urgently have one or more bowel movements. My left arm isn't especially painful, but the entire top part of my torso is.
Each time, the way to survive the event has been to get up and go take an aspirin. Tonight I did so, then an hour later I took another one. I lay in bed very quietly and try to breathe deeply - In then Out. Over and over again. It seems to help. Maybe just a little.
Tonight I got to thinking about talking with my father about two hours before he died (at age 62). He said to me, “I almost died last night.” At the time and over the years since then I have wondered, how did he know? Well the chest pain is so intense that it is clear this is something well out of the ordinary. Tonight at one point I even began thinking, “If this gets much worse I just won’t be able to take it.” The thought of putting the barrel of my .44 magnum in my mouth and pulling the trigger kept coming to mind.
I even prayed. I prayed to God. I told him what a hypocrite I felt like, that I thought Christianity and prayer was a total bunch of crap, etc. But I did it anyway. Heavenly Father, blah, blah, etc. I tried to think of some/many of the worst things I have ever done, and ask God for his forgiveness.
Are these events precursor heart attacks? Maybe. Probably.
If I had health insurance would I be in the hospital tonight? Almost certainly. And no doubt the cardiologist would find a major blockage to the blood flow to my heart muscle, and within a day or so I would be in surgery getting a multiple bypass.
But this is America where we do things The American Way. You work your ass off for many years, forfeit your family life, etc. to help the company you are working for to prosper.
Over the years the marriages seemed to come and go, but I kept getting promoted and working my way up the career ladder. I suppose this is because I was loyal, worked such long hours, and gave so much of myself to the company.
You end up being one of the very top managers, in fact my last job title was General Manager, and you find that you are at least partially responsible for the company having made many, many millions of dollars of profit. Then one day the greedy owners of the company decide to bail out; they sell the company and sell you out too. You find yourself suddenly old and unwanted. Out of work. And because you have lost your job you lose your health insurance too. So you die, even though modern medicine could have provided you with several more years of good life.
But the American Way is: No job, no health insurance. No insurance; too bad old man. Screw you, just die; and quit all that nauseating complaining too.
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NOTE: It is now the next morning - I made it through the night. This was the first time that this sort of thing has occurred more than once during one night; and in fact I survived three fairly intense bouts of it last night. Each one lasted about 1 to 1-1/2 hours.
Last night at one point I was surfing the internet, learning about heart attacks. It seems that the plaque which gets deposited on the inner walls of your blood vessels is largely made up of lipids (oils and fats) and a type of white blood cells called macrophages.
I quit smoking 8 years ago, 7-1/2 years ago gave up all alcohol, and then 7 years ago I was diagnosed with a cancer affecting the white blood cells which is called chronic lymphocytic leukemia. I just checked my old blood tests. Although my level of total defective white blood cells was indeed quite high, and 7 years later my lymph nodes are now incredibly swollen, the macrophages weren’t at all high when I had to stop getting blood tests. So I guess that maybe lipids are playing a bigger part in the problem. In a way that is good news, because it is possible to lower one’s intake of foods containing lipids, thus it might be possible to take some corrective action.
But I think I can read the tea leaves pretty well here. I don’t want to be pessimistic about this, especially since this is such an important matter, but it seems pretty clear that we are nearing the end of this little one act play. Well, it has sure been a good ride! No complaints. I would like to thank everyone who was involved along the way in helping this life of mine turn out so surprisingly wide-ranging and wonderful.
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November 24, 2009
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It just happened again. This time it was not at night but just before noon. I chewed an aspirin and breathed deeply for 30 minutes. Big time sweats. Great bowel movement. Thank goodness I survived it again.
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It is November 27 now. I've made it through two more "events." The longer I am off all cheese and lipids, it seems to be getting a little bit better. But it is still pretty bad.
At least I am getting good at the routine of chewing up an aspirin tablet. Then soon the sweats come and the inexorable bowel movement(s).
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